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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Innocence Lost

In honor of October 15, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day
(I know I'm late.  What else is new?)

I once heard someone say that after a miscarriage, you lose all innocence toward pregnancy.  Six years ago on July 9 my innocence with pregnancy was lost forever. I woke up to go to a class with my friend, Kelli. I noticed I was spotting a bit, but it wasn't anything too alarming. I knew this could happen and things still be just fine. The class was canceled due to Hurricane Dennis so I went home and prepared to stay in all weekend. I called my doctor and she assured me everything was probably fine, but if it got worse over the weekend to call the hospital. By Monday, it hadn't gotten any worse, but it hadn't stopped either so I called and they told me to come right in. I headed to the hospital to have my worst fears confirmed. I had miscarried my baby. I remember watching as the tech searched and finally called for Dr. V. to take a look. I remember seeing the sack had a tiny tear and then nothing inside. My baby was gone. I was heartbroken. I am thankful, that I had some warning that something was wrong.  My first ultrasound was scheduled for the end of the week.  If I had gone in expecting to hear a heartbeat and see my baby and then gotten this news I don't know what I would have done. As devastating as this news was, I am so thankful God spared me from the horrible surprise of finding out my baby was gone.

 Tuesday, July 12, 2005, I had the worst procedure I could ever imagine. I don't recall what time I got to the surgery center. I was completely drained. I just kept thinking that everyone in the hospital knew why I was there. I wanted to tell them I was not choosing to get a D&C. I wanted to tell them that I WANTED the baby, that just 72 hours ago was, to my knowledge, perfectly healthy.  The actual D&C wasn't that bad.  I cramped for a few days and then it was over, the physical part anyway.  I had never felt such pain and haven't since.  To this day, I remember walking in to my house after the procedure and seeing "Breaking News:  Man uses baby as human shield in shooting." I kept thinking how unfair it was that I couldn't have my baby and this lunatic used his to protect himself.  It should've been the other way around.  He should have done everything possible to protect his child.  I would have, so why was my baby taken away?  I still don't understand why.  I can, however, see God's hand in my story.

I found out I was pregnant for the second time on June 6, 2007.  I was elated and terrified.  What if something happened to this baby too? I mean, I was divorced.  (Strike One.)  Now, I was pregnant and not even married.(Strike Two)  If I didn't deserve a baby then, how could I deserve this one?  I was so obviously doing the wrong things.  Did I deserve to be happy if I wasn't married?  Shouldn't I be ashamed, embarrassed?  Believe me, I was, but I was also terribly happy.    I was still terrified something would happen until July 24, 2007.  That's the day I went to the doctor and heard Hadley's heart beat for the first time.  I cried and then, I laughed at myself for crying.  Darrell and I were so happy!  I was finally getting exactly what I wanted.  I couldn't believe it.  I had a man that loved me and I was having the baby I had craved for as long as I could remember.  My fear was not completely gone though.  Satan has a way of sneaking in and whispering hateful lies just to steal your joy. One of the happiest days of my life was Thursday, January 31, 2008.  At 11:29pm, we welcomed our precious 8 pound 8 ounce Hadley Amalia.

Six years later, I am blessed to have been given a wonderful husband and two precious children that I adore.  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for these gifts.  Are there some days that I am annoyed that I can't run to the store without it being a huge ordeal? Yes. Are there days I don't want to talk to my husband because he has or has not said or done something that has hurt my feelings?  Of course! I am not perfect.  I am a sinner just like everyone else.  I FALL SHORT.  I MAKE MISTAKES. I MESS UP BIG TIME.  I am so thankful to believe in a God that is big enough to bring me past those failures. 

If you know of someone who has lost a child please refrain from the following phrases.  Although, meant to be comforting and helpful, they are NOT.

1.  At least you know you can get pregnant.  
(Yes, I know this, and if that were my goal I would be ecstatic.)

2.  God needed another angel.  
(No, he didn't.  God doesn't NEED anything.  He is EVERYTHING.)

3.  There must have been something wrong with the baby.
(I DON'T CARE!  I would've taken care of my baby NO MATTER what was wrong with him/her.)

4.  At least you didn't have to go the full 9 months. 
(You are right! I only know what it feels like to be pregnant for 10 weeks.  I didn't get to feel my baby kick.  I didn't get to see him/her on an ultrasound screen. I won't be able to see him/her until we are reunited in heaven.)

And, please, don't be afraid of making them(us) cry by talking about our baby(ies).  We're crying anyway & it IS somewhat comforting to know we aren't the only one that remembers. 


Daughter of the King said...

Thank you for articulating for those of us who are kindred spirits with you in this sense.

mab said...

Thanks for posting this! So many women go through this. Thanks also for posting what NOT to say. Too many people say way too stupid things because they don't know what else to do! I know you still mourn the loss of your first sweet one even though you have two precious ones with you.

Love you guys!

April said...

Thanks for these words. My sister just suffered her 4th miscarriage in 13 months and I'm just at a loss for her. I've she'd so many tears for her but never have the words for except I love you.